Friday, 1 June 2007

Musings of a Private Equity Professional on Winning

For those of you that don’t already know me, I am a fierce, competitive master of the universe. I am the great frank Johnson, private equity professional. As you may have gathered, I love winning. Winning is what the game of finance is all about. Winner takes all. No room for losers and all that. I like to think that no winners stay at investment banks and winners come to the buyside, like me.

I was recently working on a transaction with one of my juniors. Sadly, the deal never happened. These bastards at Blundestone (another private equity shop) pulled the damn thing from under our feet. I don’t like that. I’m a winner, and shit like this does not happen to winners. Get it. It doesn’t. So how can this be achieved. Simple. The answer is called clubby capitalism, and this is what I expected. Blunderstone should have had the good sense to team up with me and share the spoils. But ohhhh no. No way. They wanted to be special. They wanted to be the heroes. They wanted to make the deal happen on their own. And now, after all this ungentlemanly behaviour, my junior quits.

Quits I say! Nobody quits under my watch. Nobody. And worst of all, I have to find out that the little shit went to Blunderstone from none other than the blog of an investment banking monkey! I’m done with this blogging business, once and for all. I’m going to go cheer myself up and buy myself a new Aston Martin or something.

Friday, 18 May 2007

A little about myself

My name is Frank Johnson and I am private equity professional working for Kruelberg Kretin Capital Partners. I am a complex individual, who used to be a superstar investment banker at a top bulge bracket firm, before making the natural move into private equity that is reserved only for the best of the best. I work with investment bankers on a daily basis and they annoy me. I like to think of investment banks as sweatshops that create the best (like me) and keep the rest, like all of my buddies that are still stuck in investment banking.

Being a private equity professional, I am the master of the financial universe. When you work for a firm like Kretin, you feel the power of money. I sit on the fifth floor of the Kruelberg Kretin building in London and it feels like sitting on top of four floors of stacked, crisp fifty pound notes. You could probable try to fill all the floors below mine with crisp pound notes and you would still not get close to the amount of money I control from my office in Mayfair.

I live close by, in Chelsea. As an American, living around here allows me to congregate with other fellow Americans in the financial community and network. We like doing that sort of thing. I like throwing barbecues on the weekends in my garden, and inviting other fellow private equity professionals to join the feast. It’s always good to throw in a few investment bankers as well – in the company, not the barbecue (ha ha – I also have a sense of humour).

This is my blog. People smile at me when I pass them in the office and on meetings. Everybody is happy to see me. I am a successful individual and I want to write this blog so that all of you ordinary people out there can benefit from my greatness.

Enjoy and have a nice day all.