Musings of a Private Equity Professional on Winning

For those of you that don’t already know me, I am a fierce, competitive master of the universe. I am the great frank Johnson, private equity professional. As you may have gathered, I love winning. Winning is what the game of finance is all about. Winner takes all. No room for losers and all that. I like to think that no winners stay at investment banks and winners come to the buyside, like me.

I was recently working on a transaction with one of my juniors. Sadly, the deal never happened. These bastards at Blundestone (another private equity shop) pulled the damn thing from under our feet. I don’t like that. I’m a winner, and shit like this does not happen to winners. Get it. It doesn’t. So how can this be achieved. Simple. The answer is called clubby capitalism, and this is what I expected. Blunderstone should have had the good sense to team up with me and share the spoils. But ohhhh no. No way. They wanted to be special. They wanted to be the heroes. They wanted to make the deal happen on their own. And now, after all this ungentlemanly behaviour, my junior quits.

Quits I say! Nobody quits under my watch. Nobody. And worst of all, I have to find out that the little shit went to Blunderstone from none other than the blog of an investment banking monkey! I’m done with this blogging business, once and for all. I’m going to go cheer myself up and buy myself a new Aston Martin or something.